Relationship Q&A

Do you have a question about your relationship? Need help getting some of those trees out of the way so you can see the forest? You’ve come to the right place!

The UK’s Steve Nash of selfhelpcollective.com and Paula Renaye of hardlineselfhelp.com are teaming up to bring you insights from both sides of the pond and gender pools!

Steve is all about providing a guru-free and inspiring environment where everyone share’s what they’ve learned–that would be the collective part. Paula’s “hardline” approach is about getting to the bottom line and getting to work. It’s a good balance of perspectives–male/female, tough, inspiring, motivational and real.

 

Paula and Steve are both featured in the soon-to-be-released ebook 101 Most Burning Relationship Questions ALL Answered by Top Experts, by Tiffany Norris.  Here are three questions and answers that Paula provided for the book followed by three from Steve. And just think, there are 101 of these with answers from a wide variety of experts and perspectives!

  1.  If a woman says she isn’t interested, what can I do to win her over? Nothing. And if you had a shred of pride you wouldn’t want to. Remember in Hitch where Eva Mendes tells the Chip character that, basically, “get lost” isn’t code for “try harder?” Believe it. Forget all your romantic notions—and sexual fantasies—and just start treating all women like, oh, I don’t know, human beings! Once you stop worrying about how to get women to like you, date you and have sex with you, the real you will come out naturally and you might be surprised at what could happen. I’m not talking about being a cocky arrogant jerk. That’s just a cover for insecurity and fear. So is talking about yourself and how wonderful you are. Become genuinely interested in other people—male and female—and what they are about. And forget everything else, including any bar tricks or gimmicks. Once you really like yourself, you won’t be worrying about whether anyone else likes you or not, and the irony is, that’s exactly when they will. Your natural self-confidence and your good vibes will attract the right people to you and you being you will take care of the rest.
  2. Does the size of my paycheck really matter or will she date me anyway? Money matters, but not in the way that you may think. Until a man is happy with his own level of achievement mentally, physically and financially—until he feels personally successful at the level he needs to for himself—he will be the one worried about his paycheck (i.e., himself) being good enough. Men who are happy with who they are don’t have “paycheck envy” and they don’t bother trying to date someone who does. And if you’re not happy with what you’re earning, then dating isn’t what you need to be focusing on. All that said, money is a huge player in every relationship—and it is equally important on both sides of the equation. How do you feel about her paycheck? Who pays for what? Why? Being honest, compatible and responsible financially is just as important as being honest, compatible and responsible sexually. Yes, really.
  3.  Is “safe” sex really safe? Never. There is always a risk of something happening that you’d prefer didn’t, and that means you could get hurt in some way, maybe several. Since the physical rules of safe sex are pretty obvious—let’s look at the emotional safety side of things. For a lot of people, sex has become a very casual thing, anonymous even. But what about that part of you that yearns to connect with another human being on all levels, not just the physical? Without the mental, emotional and spiritual connections, sex is basically just using someone else to masturbate. And at some point, you’re going to want more. And that means you’ll have to move out of your emotional safety zone. If you really want to have great “safe” sex, you have to invest time and effort into building a genuine relationship. You have to put aside your emotional condom and be willing to share the whole of who you are with your partner. It isn’t safe—you could get hurt. You could also have the best time of your life.

Post your questions below and let’s start Living and Loving on Purpose!

 

 

3 Responses to Relationship Q&A

  1. Steve M Nash says:

    My question, Paula is this one: How do I know if I’m in the right relationship?

    I ask this question, because everyone knows that ALL relationships come with difficulties, challenges and maybe even outright conflicts. And, sometimes these difficulties are signs that the relationship is not the one for you, and sometimes these difficulties need to be worked through. How to tell the difference? Nice easy opening question for you, Paula! ;-)

    Thanks,
    Steve

    • Paula says:

      Well, Steve, it’s kind of like when a woman asks how she knows if she’s had an orgasm–if you have to ask, you didn’t. If you’re asking the question about whether the relationship is right or not, you already know the answer—you have doubts, plain and simple. That’s okay, just get clear on why.

      All cleverness aside, I think a good indicator of being in a “good” relationship is, of course, how you feel about it–and being certain those feelings based in reality. When we first get into a relationship, we may only want to see the good, but seeing the whole picture is a better plan.

      So, if you’re giddy as a school girl and certain you’ve found your soul mate, you might want to slip off your rose-colored glasses and take another look. It takes time to truly get to know someone—not just the good behavior version, and certainly not the version of who you want them to be or think they could be with a little help.

      And, if you catch yourself having “odd” thoughts and uncomfortable feelings about things, even for a second, you need to honor those and figure out why. It may be that you’re projecting things from your past relationships into this one and you just need to let it go. Or, it could be your great internal warning system trying to get your attention and you need to look closer at the situation.

      So, here are some questions that can help give you some insight (he/she, him/her, pick one):
      How do you feel when you’re with her? Why?
      How do you feel when you aren’t? Why?
      Are you the same person with him as you are with your best friend? Why or why not?
      What have you said or done (or not) because you weren’t sure how she’d react?
      What have you done to try to make a good impression?
      What does he do that makes you trust him?
      What does he do to make you distrust him?
      How would you feel if she just disappeared and wouldn’t talk to you anymore? Why?

      The bottom line is, there are no sure-fire guarantees about anything, and you are your own best litmus test. And ultimately, if you are truly happy with who you are and are just being your true authentic self, you’ll have a great chance of attracting that same kind of person and you’ll both be just fine.

      • Steve M Nash says:

        Paula

        I love your ‘tough-love’ approach to this question. Mainly, because it’s not that tough, really :) Those questions are fantastic questions to ask in ANY relationship, they really are. Because they ask us to tune into ourselves, to tune into our inner wisdom.

        Thank you.

        This IS something I have struggled with over the years. A lot of it stems from ‘male guilt’ (heard of that?) which leads to the false belief that what I want isn’t as important as what *she* wants…

        Thanks for the answer. Really helpful
        Steve